In psychotherapy, the focus is not so much on what happened to a person, but rather on how they experienced it—how it affected them, what meaning the experience has for them, and most importantly, what and how they feel inside themselves.

With healthy development, a person:

• has a stable sense of self
• can self-soothe
• can build relationships with others

With disturbances:

• there is a sense of emptiness
• the person is easily hurt
• trust is difficult

Often, for example, strong outward behavior hides inner insecurity.

How does this develop?

During prenatal life and in the first years after birth, a child does not yet have a fully developed psyche like an adult. The child relies entirely on the mother (or primary caregiver).

During this period, slowly and gradually, depending on the stage of development:

• the mother helps the child understand how to connect with others and express needs, and later desires—and how to satisfy them (how to “feed” themselves with energy)
• how to recognize, regulate, and express emotions (how to self-soothe)
• how to interpret their experiences (reality testing)
• how to care for themselves and move forward in life

In other words, before and after birth, the mother’s psyche temporarily functions as the child’s psyche.

What happens when care is “good enough”?

When the mother:

• senses the child
• responds to their needs
• soothes them
• supports them without controlling

the child gradually develops:

• inner security
• the ability to cope with difficult emotions
• trust in others

This creates a healthy sense of self.

And when this is missing?

If the mother:

• does not understand the child’s needs
• does not respond to their crying
• cannot soothe them or regulate herself

the child is left alone with overwhelming sensations.

Then emotions become too intense, there is no one to support or regulate them, no model to follow. The child struggles to maintain a stable sense of self, and as a result, relationships with others become intense and unstable.

This leads to:

• inner instability
• a sense of emptiness
• avoidance of emotional connection
• withdrawal and adaptation to the external world through various coping patterns

This is not “character” or “bad upbringing”—this is:
the way the psyche has developed and adapted to early lack of care and environment.

How does this affect adult life?

People with such experiences often speak about a lack of inner support and a sense of self-worth.

- In relationships:

• they may fear getting close or become overly attached
• they expect to be hurt → leading to lack of trust

- Internally:

• they feel that “something is missing”
• they struggle to self-soothe
• they experience discomfort when in contact with their emotions and interpret them negatively

- Toward others:

• they may devalue others
• become easily disappointed
• protect themselves through distance and other defense mechanisms.

Why do the same situations repeat?

Very often, a person unconsciously chooses people who resemble figures from their early experiences.

For example:

• emotionally cold partners
• unavailable people
• relationships full of tension

This is not accidental — it is the psyche’s attempt to “resolve” an old situation that caused pain and unmet needs.

Can this change?

Yes! Therapy helps create what was missing in the beginning:

• to become more compassionate first toward ourselves, and then toward others
• to understand ourselves better
• to begin real change

Author: Gina Veresie